April 2014
What is wrong with me? I am assuming that it is just my hormones but I am feeling so down. I also think that it has something to do with last Sunday being Mother’s Day. However this never normally bothers me, especially as much as it had done this year but for some reason I have found it so hard this year. Another Mother’s Day, another special event day that I still do not have my baby. It really took a lot of effort to get through the day but I survived it J. I did have a good day though and my Aunt had an afternoon tea for the family. It was a lovely day.
And to help with my funny mood yesterday was April Fool’s Day. More like ‘I am going to announce to the world I am pregnant, then say only joking’ day one person even put a picture of a scan photo of twins with the caption this time were expecting twins. Then saying what a good joke it was, yeah such a great joke it only causes anyone that is suffering from infertility to feel a stab in the heart. It is hard enough to hear when someone is pregnant but to hear someone saying it is only a joke that is near impossible to get your head round. Don’t get me wrong I love a good joke but I do think this is just so sick.
I am due on my period any day now my energy is starting to falter and my pelvis and left side have both been at a level 4 or 5. On Monday we went to the hospital to collect my next two months of Clomifene. I do wonder if this is also why I have felt down lately. Will I get lucky with these two months of tablets?
Well I took St. John’s Wart and my mood has settled now. I am feeling a happier although my period is due. Saying that it was due Thursday or Friday however it is now Monday and she still has not arrived. I did not want to get myself excited I am fed up of the heartache of getting my hopes up and then nothing. Good job that I did not get excited either as yesterday I had a bit of spotting when I wiped and last night and this morning I got cramps it’s just I wish it would arrive already so I can start to take my tablets and get back on the wagon and maybe get lucky this month. We will see how it goes.
What a week I finally came on my period, but it is unlike any period I have ever had. It was very light and not painful really. Well that is that the pain did not go any higher than a level 5 which is really good. I did feel a bit fatigued for a day or so but the good thing is I was able to drag myself to work. That’s one whole month that I have not been off work sick. I have not been able to say that for approximately 2 years. I just wish I knew what I have done to make this month so “easy” so that I could do it again for next month.
Me taking Clomifene had made me into some sort of crazy devil woman this month. I have had the shortest of fuses ever. Any little thing has either made me start moaning, get angry or just burst into tears. I know I am being extremely irrational but I cannot control it at all. I just feel sorry for everyone that has had to work with me this week. I know I would not have wanted to put up with me. But they have all been so kind and understanding knowing that I cannot control myself. On top of the mood swings I have had a lot of gas, and loads of hot flushes. It has all felt very odd. I am still getting the headaches from the Clomifene. I am just so glad to have taken my last tablet for this month. Please let us get lucky this month. I am really starting to wonder if it will ever happen but I need to keep positive.
In 2009 when they said that I may find it hard to conceive, even when we started to try to conceive in 2011 I never thought that I would feel like I do now. I had prepared myself for the physical struggle. But I had never expected the emotional drain. I am ashamed to say it even the crazy thoughts about pregnant women. You want to be happy for them but you also have that what about me feeling and a slight bit of jealousy. You do not want to feel this way it is an awful feeling to have. That feeling is not the real you. It is so hard to explain. When someone announces that they are pregnant it feels like someone is stabbing you ten times over. But at the same time you are over the moon for them, especially if they have been trying for a while. As well as these feelings you also want to go into bed and hide under your duvet and just cry. Someone this week said:-
“The most loved and wanted babies, take the longest time to make”
This means a lot to me this little quote. And going on that saying it just shows how much our children (whether conceived naturally, via IVF or adopted) they will be the most loved and wanted children in existence.
I never thought when I started writing how much it would hit on the subject of infertility especially as this is about Endometriosis and how it affects me and my life. Sadly to say I am one of the many thousands of women worldwide whose endometriosis affects them trying to have a family. However some women with Endometriosis do not suffer from infertility they are the lucky ones.
Talk about talking too soon, last night I started to really bloat out, I felt so uncomfortable and got very little sleep. I was to start work at mid-day. By this time I was very bloated but not in too much pain, about a level 6ish. However as my shift went on the pain level went up to a 8 ½. I managed to complete the shift but now I am on the sofa in my PJ’s in a lot of pain.
The pain lasted about a four or so days but on the Tuesday night I woke up in a lot of pain at about 3.20am I took some Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. After about 15 minutes of waiting I decided to go down stairs and heat up ‘Micro Mike’ I struggled to get down the stairs and whilst waiting for ‘Micro Mike’ to heat up I curled up on the sofa in agony. I do not know where it came from I was violently sick. Kev brought me a bowl. I have no idea where it all came from after all I had not eaten a lot during the day because I felt so bloated. Although I had forced myself to eat lunch. The next day I went into work (again I was lucky that my shift did not start until mid-day) I managed to keep the little contents of my stomach where it should be. I struggled through the shift with the pain. The best way to describe the pain was like a contraction during labour. Just like when my bowel was playing up at the beginning of last year. I was also constipated for 3 days.
At the moment I am feeling very positive and in hardly any pain about a level 2. Even my energy is higher than it has been in a while.
And to help with my funny mood yesterday was April Fool’s Day. More like ‘I am going to announce to the world I am pregnant, then say only joking’ day one person even put a picture of a scan photo of twins with the caption this time were expecting twins. Then saying what a good joke it was, yeah such a great joke it only causes anyone that is suffering from infertility to feel a stab in the heart. It is hard enough to hear when someone is pregnant but to hear someone saying it is only a joke that is near impossible to get your head round. Don’t get me wrong I love a good joke but I do think this is just so sick.
I am due on my period any day now my energy is starting to falter and my pelvis and left side have both been at a level 4 or 5. On Monday we went to the hospital to collect my next two months of Clomifene. I do wonder if this is also why I have felt down lately. Will I get lucky with these two months of tablets?
Well I took St. John’s Wart and my mood has settled now. I am feeling a happier although my period is due. Saying that it was due Thursday or Friday however it is now Monday and she still has not arrived. I did not want to get myself excited I am fed up of the heartache of getting my hopes up and then nothing. Good job that I did not get excited either as yesterday I had a bit of spotting when I wiped and last night and this morning I got cramps it’s just I wish it would arrive already so I can start to take my tablets and get back on the wagon and maybe get lucky this month. We will see how it goes.
What a week I finally came on my period, but it is unlike any period I have ever had. It was very light and not painful really. Well that is that the pain did not go any higher than a level 5 which is really good. I did feel a bit fatigued for a day or so but the good thing is I was able to drag myself to work. That’s one whole month that I have not been off work sick. I have not been able to say that for approximately 2 years. I just wish I knew what I have done to make this month so “easy” so that I could do it again for next month.
Me taking Clomifene had made me into some sort of crazy devil woman this month. I have had the shortest of fuses ever. Any little thing has either made me start moaning, get angry or just burst into tears. I know I am being extremely irrational but I cannot control it at all. I just feel sorry for everyone that has had to work with me this week. I know I would not have wanted to put up with me. But they have all been so kind and understanding knowing that I cannot control myself. On top of the mood swings I have had a lot of gas, and loads of hot flushes. It has all felt very odd. I am still getting the headaches from the Clomifene. I am just so glad to have taken my last tablet for this month. Please let us get lucky this month. I am really starting to wonder if it will ever happen but I need to keep positive.
In 2009 when they said that I may find it hard to conceive, even when we started to try to conceive in 2011 I never thought that I would feel like I do now. I had prepared myself for the physical struggle. But I had never expected the emotional drain. I am ashamed to say it even the crazy thoughts about pregnant women. You want to be happy for them but you also have that what about me feeling and a slight bit of jealousy. You do not want to feel this way it is an awful feeling to have. That feeling is not the real you. It is so hard to explain. When someone announces that they are pregnant it feels like someone is stabbing you ten times over. But at the same time you are over the moon for them, especially if they have been trying for a while. As well as these feelings you also want to go into bed and hide under your duvet and just cry. Someone this week said:-
“The most loved and wanted babies, take the longest time to make”
This means a lot to me this little quote. And going on that saying it just shows how much our children (whether conceived naturally, via IVF or adopted) they will be the most loved and wanted children in existence.
I never thought when I started writing how much it would hit on the subject of infertility especially as this is about Endometriosis and how it affects me and my life. Sadly to say I am one of the many thousands of women worldwide whose endometriosis affects them trying to have a family. However some women with Endometriosis do not suffer from infertility they are the lucky ones.
Talk about talking too soon, last night I started to really bloat out, I felt so uncomfortable and got very little sleep. I was to start work at mid-day. By this time I was very bloated but not in too much pain, about a level 6ish. However as my shift went on the pain level went up to a 8 ½. I managed to complete the shift but now I am on the sofa in my PJ’s in a lot of pain.
The pain lasted about a four or so days but on the Tuesday night I woke up in a lot of pain at about 3.20am I took some Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. After about 15 minutes of waiting I decided to go down stairs and heat up ‘Micro Mike’ I struggled to get down the stairs and whilst waiting for ‘Micro Mike’ to heat up I curled up on the sofa in agony. I do not know where it came from I was violently sick. Kev brought me a bowl. I have no idea where it all came from after all I had not eaten a lot during the day because I felt so bloated. Although I had forced myself to eat lunch. The next day I went into work (again I was lucky that my shift did not start until mid-day) I managed to keep the little contents of my stomach where it should be. I struggled through the shift with the pain. The best way to describe the pain was like a contraction during labour. Just like when my bowel was playing up at the beginning of last year. I was also constipated for 3 days.
At the moment I am feeling very positive and in hardly any pain about a level 2. Even my energy is higher than it has been in a while.