May 2015
Friday 1st May 2015 – Super eggs.
My phone call from the embryologist could not have gone any better even if I wanted it to. She said that by now the eggs should be between 2 and 4 cells and both eggs are already at the 4 cell stage, both are doing really well if they were to transfer bother there would be a high chance of a multiple pregnancy but they cannot decide which one to use so because of these factors they are going to leave the transfer until Monday where the eggs will hit the blastocyst stage.
Tuesday 5th May 2015 – 11 days to go.
Yesterday was Transfer day at 11 am I took the Lorazepam I was prescribed to sedate me whilst the consultant done the transfer. The sedation worked well and by the time I walked into the transfer room I was struggling to stay awake and had to be guided into the room.
We were shown our little embryo on the computer screen. The consultant said that we have done well to get this far with such a small amount of eggs and this embryo is really good quality.
The pain shot through me when he got to my cervix. The process was quick.
So this is it I am as pregnant as I ever have been. I am just praying to God that our little blastocyst grows and implants. I have 11 days to go before I can do a pregnancy test. It is going to be a looooooooonnnnnnnng 11 days.
I had a phone call this morning telling us that sadly out other embryo is not strong enough to freeze (they were hoping it would grow more overnight but it did not) even more prayers now that our little embryo grows nice and strong.
Sunday 10th May 2015 – 6 days to go.
Oh my God this is so hard!!! Am I? Am I not? And as for symptom checking STOP!!! With all of this I am scared to get my hopes up but I cannot help t. the further I get into this two week wait the more I am convinced that I am pregnant. I am so worried that if I admit it to myself if I get a negative pregnancy test. (there is a 50/50 chance either way) then I do not know how I will pick myself up. On the other side if I get my positive then I will be higher than the moon. Please be the second, please be a positive, please be a BIG, FAT, HUGE, GINORMOUS, HUMONGOUS POSITIVE. Like I said I have been symptom checking:-
Wednesday 13th May – Getting scared now.
Today, tomorrow then that it Friday morning, I do my pregnancy test. I am scared, scared that the test will show a negative. What will happen then? Please be a positive on Friday I am begging for a positive. Those 2 little blue lines are all I think of seeing on Friday. I am still feeling upbeat about Friday. I am still fatigued, sensitive to certain smells (couldn’t stand serving the red onion and goats cheese tart at work today and I normally love that but the smell was so over powering). But more importantly no period yet. This is the best sign.
Thursday 14th May – Feeling down, day before test day.
This morning I woke up feeling a tad sickly but put it down to nerves about tomorrow’s test. I think I know the result already though. Here’s a clue – cramps and lower back pain most of the day, not feeling like eating anything and the Biggy when I went to the loo and wiped I saw some blood. That’s right it feels like my period is coming. I keep trying to keep positive still but I just have that feeling that’s it. So what is this sensitive smell about? I shall still do a test like they said (“no matter what happens do a test on the day that we tell to do it”) but I have a strong feeling the result will be a negative. I have a nasty feeling that the ICSI did not work. Why is life so cruel, some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat, drink and so drugs all through their pregnancy and then not give a shit about the children that they have brought into the world. And yet I have been through so much, monthly pains as strong as labour (sometimes), cyst after cyst, operation after operation, test after test, injections by nurses and myself, go knows how many scars. I do everything that they advise to the extreme and yet again what do I get FUCK ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What makes it worse is I did have a blastocyst inside me. Our embryo was OK until it was inside me now I am about to come on my period and I will only see one blue line tomorrow during the test. I just know it.
This was probably going to be our last chance unless we win the lottery. This would have been our lottery win but no once again hey fuck Barbara lets send her the shit straw again. She has had the lot well let’s just throw some more at her, she will not care. Well guess what I DO!!!
These last two weeks I have felt so good with the thought that I was pregnant and tomorrow my dreams will be shattered. At what point did the ICSI fail when the embryo was inside me was it the day after transfer or was it right up to yesterday?
Friday 15th May 2015 – TEST DAY
I called it in yesterday NEGATIVE just waiting for the nurse to phone back now to see where we go from there. I am sad and fucked off right now.
Monday 18th May – Feeling overwhelmed.
The Nurse phoned back on Friday and she was so understanding and caring. She made an appointment with the consultant which is on Friday 5th June. She asked if I had started my period which I told her that I had the night before (It was actually that morning but I was not thinking straight and struggling to keep myself from bursting into tears over the phone) I felt like I wanted to cry but just could not do it I had a little cry that night before I went to sleep but that was it. I also said that we would be interested in another cycle and if it was possible for her to send us a price list. She said that she would send us one in the post as soon as possible.
We were not sure if we could afford it but thought that if we knew how much and if it was do able then maybe just maybe we could possibly have one more go. So then we can say we just tried a NHS funded and then a privately funded cycle. This privately funded cycle would be the very last chance unless we win the lottery which is doubtful.
I am feeling so overwhelmed after this weekend. We told our family and friends that we have just done fertility treatment and sadly that it had failed at the last hurdle. They have all been so supportive and some have said that they will help us any way they can to do another cycle. This is so overwhelming I just do not know what to say. Everyone has been so kind and supportive. Hopefully we will get to do one more cycle and with any luck this one will work. We will talk to the consultant in June and see what he would recommend.
The nurse said that because I have had the hormone injections that increase my endometrial lining I should expect a heavy period. Which I have expected (as well as a painful one) however strangely enough it is not as heavy as I thought it would be in fact it is slightly lighter than previous periods. I have had sore cramping but as the codeine in the solphadine had slowed my bowel and since Saturday I had been constipated I have had to only take Paracetamol. And warm baths to relax the muscles.
My phone call from the embryologist could not have gone any better even if I wanted it to. She said that by now the eggs should be between 2 and 4 cells and both eggs are already at the 4 cell stage, both are doing really well if they were to transfer bother there would be a high chance of a multiple pregnancy but they cannot decide which one to use so because of these factors they are going to leave the transfer until Monday where the eggs will hit the blastocyst stage.
Tuesday 5th May 2015 – 11 days to go.
Yesterday was Transfer day at 11 am I took the Lorazepam I was prescribed to sedate me whilst the consultant done the transfer. The sedation worked well and by the time I walked into the transfer room I was struggling to stay awake and had to be guided into the room.
We were shown our little embryo on the computer screen. The consultant said that we have done well to get this far with such a small amount of eggs and this embryo is really good quality.
The pain shot through me when he got to my cervix. The process was quick.
So this is it I am as pregnant as I ever have been. I am just praying to God that our little blastocyst grows and implants. I have 11 days to go before I can do a pregnancy test. It is going to be a looooooooonnnnnnnng 11 days.
I had a phone call this morning telling us that sadly out other embryo is not strong enough to freeze (they were hoping it would grow more overnight but it did not) even more prayers now that our little embryo grows nice and strong.
Sunday 10th May 2015 – 6 days to go.
Oh my God this is so hard!!! Am I? Am I not? And as for symptom checking STOP!!! With all of this I am scared to get my hopes up but I cannot help t. the further I get into this two week wait the more I am convinced that I am pregnant. I am so worried that if I admit it to myself if I get a negative pregnancy test. (there is a 50/50 chance either way) then I do not know how I will pick myself up. On the other side if I get my positive then I will be higher than the moon. Please be the second, please be a positive, please be a BIG, FAT, HUGE, GINORMOUS, HUMONGOUS POSITIVE. Like I said I have been symptom checking:-
- The other day I had some pinky/orangey spotting was this implantation or just after the embryo transfer?
- Since the embryo transfer I have had cramps, but yesterday they had eased a little or was it the day before? Good or bad sign?
- My boobs feel sore
- I am bloated (I know this is not a new sign but it is a different feeling of bloated I cannot explain it, is this just in my head? Or the progesterone I am taking?),
- I had some creamy white discharge today when I went to the loo
- I am so fatigued, I am finding it harder than usual to function
- I just have a good feeling that it has worked, it is hard to explain. Is this just hopeful thinking or mother’s instinct?
- Not sure if I have a heightened sense of smell, last night I could smell the plant in our bedroom, but my husband could not smell anything (normally I cannot smell this plant). When I say smell it was not a flowery smell (not sweet or anything) but just a planty smell. Today I was in a shop with my sister and I could smell wet nail varnish as we were next to the nail varnish stand (I did not realise this until I turned around after I smelt the smell). I thought maybe someone had opened one but my sister could not smell anything. What can I say about that? Am I over thinking things? Coincidence? Only 5 days to go until I get to find out.
Wednesday 13th May – Getting scared now.
Today, tomorrow then that it Friday morning, I do my pregnancy test. I am scared, scared that the test will show a negative. What will happen then? Please be a positive on Friday I am begging for a positive. Those 2 little blue lines are all I think of seeing on Friday. I am still feeling upbeat about Friday. I am still fatigued, sensitive to certain smells (couldn’t stand serving the red onion and goats cheese tart at work today and I normally love that but the smell was so over powering). But more importantly no period yet. This is the best sign.
Thursday 14th May – Feeling down, day before test day.
This morning I woke up feeling a tad sickly but put it down to nerves about tomorrow’s test. I think I know the result already though. Here’s a clue – cramps and lower back pain most of the day, not feeling like eating anything and the Biggy when I went to the loo and wiped I saw some blood. That’s right it feels like my period is coming. I keep trying to keep positive still but I just have that feeling that’s it. So what is this sensitive smell about? I shall still do a test like they said (“no matter what happens do a test on the day that we tell to do it”) but I have a strong feeling the result will be a negative. I have a nasty feeling that the ICSI did not work. Why is life so cruel, some women get pregnant at the drop of a hat, drink and so drugs all through their pregnancy and then not give a shit about the children that they have brought into the world. And yet I have been through so much, monthly pains as strong as labour (sometimes), cyst after cyst, operation after operation, test after test, injections by nurses and myself, go knows how many scars. I do everything that they advise to the extreme and yet again what do I get FUCK ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What makes it worse is I did have a blastocyst inside me. Our embryo was OK until it was inside me now I am about to come on my period and I will only see one blue line tomorrow during the test. I just know it.
This was probably going to be our last chance unless we win the lottery. This would have been our lottery win but no once again hey fuck Barbara lets send her the shit straw again. She has had the lot well let’s just throw some more at her, she will not care. Well guess what I DO!!!
These last two weeks I have felt so good with the thought that I was pregnant and tomorrow my dreams will be shattered. At what point did the ICSI fail when the embryo was inside me was it the day after transfer or was it right up to yesterday?
Friday 15th May 2015 – TEST DAY
I called it in yesterday NEGATIVE just waiting for the nurse to phone back now to see where we go from there. I am sad and fucked off right now.
Monday 18th May – Feeling overwhelmed.
The Nurse phoned back on Friday and she was so understanding and caring. She made an appointment with the consultant which is on Friday 5th June. She asked if I had started my period which I told her that I had the night before (It was actually that morning but I was not thinking straight and struggling to keep myself from bursting into tears over the phone) I felt like I wanted to cry but just could not do it I had a little cry that night before I went to sleep but that was it. I also said that we would be interested in another cycle and if it was possible for her to send us a price list. She said that she would send us one in the post as soon as possible.
We were not sure if we could afford it but thought that if we knew how much and if it was do able then maybe just maybe we could possibly have one more go. So then we can say we just tried a NHS funded and then a privately funded cycle. This privately funded cycle would be the very last chance unless we win the lottery which is doubtful.
I am feeling so overwhelmed after this weekend. We told our family and friends that we have just done fertility treatment and sadly that it had failed at the last hurdle. They have all been so supportive and some have said that they will help us any way they can to do another cycle. This is so overwhelming I just do not know what to say. Everyone has been so kind and supportive. Hopefully we will get to do one more cycle and with any luck this one will work. We will talk to the consultant in June and see what he would recommend.
The nurse said that because I have had the hormone injections that increase my endometrial lining I should expect a heavy period. Which I have expected (as well as a painful one) however strangely enough it is not as heavy as I thought it would be in fact it is slightly lighter than previous periods. I have had sore cramping but as the codeine in the solphadine had slowed my bowel and since Saturday I had been constipated I have had to only take Paracetamol. And warm baths to relax the muscles.